Humor

ANOTHER REASON TO JUST "BE YOURSELF"

Jean, a middle-aged woman, had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. When she saw God, she asked if this was the end. God gently said, "No," and explained to her that she had another 30 or 40 years to live.

Upon her recovery, Jean decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she had another 30 or 40 years left, she might as well make the most of it, and look 19 again.

As soon as Jean walked out of the hospital, she was struck and killed by a speeding ambulance.

When she arrived in front of God again, she said, "I thought you had given me another 30 or 40 years!"

"I didn't recognize you," replied God.

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HEAVY THINKER

Hi, everybody. My name is Bill W., and I'm a heavy thinker. It started out innocently enough, I suppose. I began to think socially at parties now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me. After a while, I couldn't control myself and I began thinking all the time. I even began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and work don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

Some of my co-workers began to notice the look of deep concentration on my face, and how they'd always see me with my nose buried in a philosophy book. I'd disappear during lunch and head down to the public park, where I'd read a few chapters of Aristotle, or sometimes I'd just sit there and stare off into the distance, lost inside my thinking. It was soon pretty clear to everyone around me that my thinking had gotten out of control. Now I was thinking most of the day, every day.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What exactly are we doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening, after thinking nearly all day at work, I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She left and spent that night at her mother's.

Before long, I had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, after I knew I couldn't hide it any longer, the boss called me into his office.

He said, "Bill W., I like you , and it hurts me to say this. But your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, we'll have to let you go. We just can't run a business here if our employees are thinking. And sooner or later, someone is going to get hurt. Get some professional help." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early that day after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking." she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, it's not that serious."

"It IS serious," she said, with her lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as some of those college professors, and college professors don't make any money! If you don't stop thinking, we won't be able to make ends meet!"

"That's faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and then she began to cry. She'd had enough, and so had I.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, listening to a National Public Radio station on the way. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ... but they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that God was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at those glass doors, whimpering for some Plato or Socrates, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering heavy thinker.

I never miss a T-A meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's Revenge." Then we share experiences about how we've avoided thinking since last meeting.

I got my old job back, and things are a lot better at home. My wife and I don't ever talk about those horrible days when I was thinking all the time. Life just seems ... easier, somehow, now that I've stopped thinking.....

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Caught for speeding The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?

Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?

Tame way, unique up on it.

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Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be? Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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THIS is TRUE for February 2003 Copyright 2003 www.thisistrue.com

Travel agencies are reporting that they're getting a significant number of requests from travelers who want to sightsee in "Middle Earth" locations such as Mordor and Rivendell. Those are fictional locations in the "Lord of the Rings" movies. In the films, Mordor is occupied by forces of darkness; Rivendell is where elves live. The scenes for those locations were shot in national parks in New Zealand. (New Zealand Press Association) ...Which information then leads to the inevitable reply, "New Zealand? Never heard of it."

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X-RATED

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

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"See ya real soon!"

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